If we all agreed about everything all the time, then life would be a breeze. But we don’t, and sometimes it isn’t. Often, we do find ourselves in a disagreement with others. Maybe when buying a car or a house, or at work with a supplier, a customer, or with your manager. We are constantly seeking out compromise and reaching agreements, with our children, partners, friends, and at work. Life is a series of frequent little negotiations. How can we make this process work better, for all parties?
Aikido is a Japanese martial art, which is used to defend oneself whilst avoiding injury to the attacker. Redirect your opponent’s attack away from you or use their strength against them. Overall, the idea is to bring both you and your attacker back into balance. Aikido is often translated as “the way of unifying (with) life energy” or as “the way of harmonious spirit”. Hopefully you will never be involved in physical conflict, which would necessitate the use of an actual martial art. Rather here we can learn from the philosophy of Aikido to work effectively with a verbal attack or in negotiations.
First, we need to understand that life isn’t about winners and losers. We are all different, endowed with different talents, and facing different challenges. And we are all on the same journey, one of becoming more of who we are. There are times when you can legitimately argue that you are involved in a contest, such as when playing a game or in sports. But playing a game is about the activity of sharing and having fun, not necessarily about winning. Even in sports you are fundamentally only competing against yourself. In all situations we need to look for win/win outcomes. Now for me that doesn’t mean that at a child’s sports day everyone must win. A sports day should be about fun, and even then, there are important life lessons to be learned too. People who think life is all about win/lose will be either winning or losing all the time, and either way they make life hard on others and hard for themselves. If you think you must win all the time, if you don’t, you’ll feel bad. Just giving in and losing isn’t much use either, because by doing so you are not learning and growing.
So how do we find the hallowed ground of win/win. In any formal or informal negotiation do not take a fixed position that your ego feels it must defend. Usually in negotiations people will either state their position forcibly, attack your ideas, or attack you. Assume that every position someone else takes is a genuine attempt to address the concerns of both sides. When someone states a position forcibly, look for the principle, or value that is behind this, rather than focussing on their position. Don’t feel like you need to defend any of your ideas. You could even invite criticism or ask for advice. Treat their position as an option and treat your own ideas in the same way. Reframe any attack on you as an attack on the shared problem. Throughout this process ask questions, they are much more likely to generate solutions than making statements ever will. Tactics you can use include things like labelling suggestions and questions, and using ‘I’ language. Such as, “I have a question/suggestion…” or “I am having difficulty understanding this.” Rather than “You are not making yourself clear.”
Finally do what you can to keep your emotions out of any negotiation. One way to do this is, before hand, have an idea about what you will do if you cannot get a negotiated agreement. This means that you won’t ever feel like you are being backed into a corner. Another way to do this, straight from martial arts, is to remain centred. Keep your energy focused on a point 2 inches below your navel. You can do this just by thinking about that spot. This is the best place for your centre of gravity, your centre of focus, to be when faced with an attack physical or otherwise, because it makes you more stable and grounded. Remember that in Aikido real victory is one over oneself, in the now.
“Take no thought of who is right or wrong or who is better than. Be not for or against.” Bruce Lee
