Assertive

What does being assertive mean to you? Does it bring up images of being bossy or rude, or people who must get their own way all the time. Or does it bring to the surface feelings of fear. In her book Perfect AssertivenessJan Ferguson defines it in this way; “Being assertive is about respecting yourself enough to state what you want from other people. It is also about respecting other people and their right to express their own needs.” Here is an example from her book, about something I struggle with, sending food back in a restaurant. Would you say –

1. “Excuse me. What do you call this offering? These vegetables are disgusting. You’ve no right serving food like this.”
2. “Excuse me, I think these vegetables have been heated up from lunch time. They don’t taste very nice. Would you please take them away and see what else you can offer me.”
3. Or would you say nothing, not enjoy the meal, and then feel aggrieved about it for wasting money?

She describes 1 as aggressive, 2 as assertive, and 3 as passive. For me, scenario 2 still seems a little strong, though I have used an example where I am not so good at asserting myself. But how good are you at –

1. Asking for something that someone has borrowed to be returned.
2. Speaking to a neighbour about an issue.
3. Speaking up in a meeting.
4. Asking for a raise.
5. Accepting criticism, or a compliment.
6. Declining a social invitation.
7. Saying no to an authority figure.

My guess is that you will find some of these easier than others. What is at play here is our past experiences, our values and beliefs, and our preferences. Also, we all have the instinctive fight, flight, and freeze response. In confrontational situations when we are implicitly being asked to express our needs, where you sit on this fight and flight scale will influence your response towards being rude, assertive, or passive. Letting go of emotions from the past such as anger, sadness, fear, hurt, and guilt can help us to create space between stimulus and response. Thereby allowing us to access a response that better meets our needs. This is something that Time Line Therapy™ helps people to do.

The core of being assertive is to love and value yourself. If you do not, then how easy will it be for you to set boundaries for others. Being rude can even come from a place of a lack of self-worth. Because people feel the need to fight for something they have failed to see they already have the power to give themselves freely. To be assertive we need to say what we mean and mean what we say. Ferguson recommends being –

1. Be clear in your communication. There’s no need to pussyfoot around.
2. Be appropriate. This doesn’t mean that being assertive empowers you to right every wrong in the world. Some things we can let slide.
3. Take responsibility. This means own what you say. I think…or, In my opinion… This expresses your view and is a softer approach than saying, You are always…
4. Remain calm. As I said above, letting go past emotions can help.
5. Be willing to listen.

Assertiveness is a tool that we need in all areas of our life, and it is an essential tool for a coach. When you are coaching someone, you may need to hold the mirror up for the client so that they can see themselves. This may be challenging for the client. But you’re doing it to help them. If I am going to challenge a client, I ensure that my challenge can pass through these three gates –

1. Does this need to be said?
2. Does it need to be said by me?
3. Does it need to be said by me now?

Only if I can answer yes to all three of these do I then say something. As a coach you will also have to assert yourself about the way the coaching sessions will run. Again, you are doing this so that the client has the best chance of getting the result they are looking for. You will also have to be assertive to ensure you get paid what you are really worth.

Being assertive is about saying yes to yourself and sometimes saying no to other people. You are not other people’s servant or lacky. Nor are you superior to others. You are their equals, act like it.

“First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak.” Epictetus