A few weeks ago, my parents celebrated their diamond wedding anniversary, which in case you don’t know means that they have been married for 60 years. So, what is the secret to a long and happy relationship? There are, of course, many things that you need to do to make a relationship last. Here are a few ideasI think are the most important.
Purpose
On the surface the purpose of a relationship seems to be that being with this person makes your life better than not being with them, and that’s okay. But at a deeper level the purpose of a relationship is to help your partner to grow into more of who they are. You are doing that for them, and they are doing it for you. A partner that stifles or limits your chance of self-improvement or growth isn’t fully serving you.
Perspective
Perspective is about the, somewhat obvious, fact that in any relationship you have two individuals. What this means is that you both have your own life experiences, your own skills, abilities, preferences, interests, values, and model of the world. Some of the fun about being in a relationship is that your partner sees the world differently from how you do. But it is important to remember that you will see things differently, stop insisting that your partner must be like you. Let them be who they are, you love them because of who they are. This idea about different perspectives then leads to the idea of love language. This is understanding how you naturally express love and how you know that you are loved. And knowing the same about your partner. Perspective also includes the idea that over time people do change. You and your partner might change career, become ill or healthy, have children, grow older, or change other aspects of their perspective. All these things will change the relationship dynamic. You both must allow yourselves, and the other person, the space to let that growth happen. A final thought about perspective is that everyone’s perspective is valid. You might not agree with it, but you not agreeing with it doesn’t mean that it is invalid.
Self-Worth
Self-worth means exactly what it says. You decide that you are worthy of having good things in your life and of being loved, simply because you say so. The very fact that you do exist, in the first place, by itself, means that you are worthy. Love and accept yourself as you are. If there are things about yourself that you do not like, then change them. If you can’t change them or if you don’t want to change them, they then become part of who you are. Love and accept yourself as you are. People who seek their self-worth from others can become too needy and manipulative to get validation from someone else. No one needs validating from others, validate yourself. People who have a stronger sense of self-worth have more successful relationships and are easier to be in a relationship with.
Communication
Being listened to has a positive effect on people. I would encourage you all to become a good listener for your partner. When you are listening, you want to listen to understand. Doing this will naturally make you ask sensible questions to make sure that you do understand and will demonstrate that you do too. Also listen with empathy. This means showing your partner that you appreciate the emotions they are experiencing in this moment. Things that get in the way of effective listening are interrupting or talking over someone, mind reading the other person (even if you are right) and being judgemental. Make sure that your partner feels listened to and supported. In that moment they may not require any more from you than this.
Emotional Bank Account
The emotional bank account is a relationship concept that I have borrowed from Stephen Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. By being kind, keeping agreements, and being honest you build up the balance in the joint emotional bank account. However, if you are discourteous, disrespectful, overreact, or ignore your partner, then you make withdrawals from the emotional bank account. If you have built up sufficient reserves, then if your communication is unclear or if you make an honest mistake then you have something to fall back on. If not, it will strain your relationship.
Forgiveness
It is important in a relationship to forgive past mistakes. You cannot keep bringing up the past and expect to have a healthy relationship. Now I’m not saying that you must forgive. But your choices are to either forgive and move on or withhold forgiveness and end the relationship.
Finally, the secret, if there is one of a long-lasting happy relationship, is not insisting that it must last. Treat every day as a new day. Use the Zen idea of the beginners mind every day. Make every day like the first date.
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Lao Tzu
