I recently read 30 Lessons for Living by Karl Pillemer. He is an American sociologist and gerontologist. In the 2000s he conducted in depth interviews with 1,800 older Americans. As the title of his book suggests he gleaned a lot of advice from these life experts. They had almost completed this immersive, experiential endeavour that we call life and were happy to share their wisdom. Pillemer breaks these down into the following categories –
- Marriage
- Work
- Parenting
- Aging
- Living without regrets
- Underlying principles
All of his 30 lessons are valuable to consider and are worth your while integrating into your life. What I want to highlight here are seven of them I consider to be the most important.
Happiness is a choice: This is a recurring theme throughout personal development. I do fully appreciate that it doesn’t always seem like happiness is a choice. We can easily get triggered by other people or events. What I would also add, though is that constant positivity can come across as contrived or false. After all isn’t life about feeling the whole range of human emotions, good and bad. But once you realise how you feel is actually a choice you can reduce the things in your life that trigger negative states. By doing so, more often than not, you can make an active choice to be in a positive state when you want to. Being in a negative state means you cannot access all the resources that you do have inside you. Remember a time when you were in an argument with someone, did you in that moment access all the eloquent and persuasive linguistic skills you possess? Probably not. Don’t wait for conditions outside you to be perfect before you feel happy. Choose happiness now.
Be honest: There are times in our lives when being totally honest isn’t the best choice, and when a response just short of the whole truth works well for everyone. Though that may well be the case, honesty in life is usually the best policy. As Abraham Lincoln said, “No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” The idea about being truthful extends to yourself too. I tell coaching clients that they need to be honest with me and honest with themselves. Sometimes the last part of that is the hardest. I think honesty in relationships is crucial, and this point is summed up by a quote from Khalil Gibran, “Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of the love is lost.”
Choose a partner with extreme care: Having that one special person in your life can be a source of great joy. Whilst being with the wrong person is worse than being single. A common theme from relationship experts is the recommendation that your romantic life partner should also be your best friend. The advice from Pillemer’s experts, who both got this wrong and right in their lives, is that you want to make sure that you take great care choosing your partner. Once you have got this right it is so much easier to commit to them and the relationship, and to make the necessary compromises that go with that.
Treat your body well: If you have an average lifespan in the UK you will live to be 82. Most people will retire in their mid-sixties, some even earlier. Make sure that you give yourself the best possible chance of spending those 15-20 years of retirement in reasonable physical shape. And the way to do that is to look after your body now. Do all the things that health professionals have been telling us for years; stop smoking, drink in moderation if at all, eat healthy foods, and exercise. Do all of these things when you are young enough to do so. Create good habits in your thirties and forties and you will reap the benefits later in your life. Trust those who have walked this path already and invest in your body now.
Do work you enjoy: I believe that in all areas of life we need to act upon our passions, with integrity. We spend so much time working that it is essential to do something for your work that you enjoy. If you are not doing that now then make the best of the situation you are in, whilst doing what you can to redirect your career. Time and again Pillemer’s experts recommend that work life should be spent doing what you enjoy rather than chasing after money.
Communicate: Another regular theme from relationship specialist is the need for effective communication. This seems so obvious, but people often don’t do it to the extent that they need to, to make a difference. This idea of communication isn’t just about with your partner, it also extends into your relationship with your children and at work.
Give your kids time: Children remember the time you spent with them, not what you did and certainly not what you bought them. Make them a priority when you still can. This can be challenging because people are often at the start of their careers when their children are small, and through desire or need tend to spend time working when they could be with their children. Also, know that children don’t usually want to do what we want to do either. You have to do what they want to do. I can still remember the football matches that my dad took me to when I was small, even though he hated football.
As we grow older, we see people around us age too. My parents are now well into their 80s. And although I like to think of myself as middle aged, if I’m honest that is stretching the truth a little. No matter what age you are, do what you can to incorporate these lessons into your life. That way you can live free of regrets as your years advance.
“Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first and the lesson afterward.” – Oscar Wilde
