Language of Love
One of the most rewarding things that we can do in life is being in a long-term, happy relationship. When this aspect of life works, we feel like we can conquer the world. Yet at the same time if it isn’t working well, if our needs are not being met, then life itself can feel like an insurmountable challenge. NLP is good at helping people to understand themselves and their partner. It can identify, values, beliefs, preferences, and past experiences which contribute to one’s personality. By gaining an appreciation of these in oneself, you can equally, well almost equally, understand them in your partner too. The similarities and the differences between us add to the richness of our connection. NLP also teaches the importance of communication to keep a relationship healthy. You need to have empathetic listening skills, rooted in a deep positive regard for your partner. But what happens if you and your partner aren’t talking the same language, will you be heard, will they. To all types of communication NLP adds the idea, that people can tend to favour one of their senses over and above another. So, you and/or your partner maybe a more, visual, auditory, feeling, or thinking person. If you fail to fully appreciate this then your communication could be a little off key, to use an auditory metaphor.
But there is more to the language of love than just this. In his 1973 book, The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman added more ways for us to understand how we feel loved, and how our partner does too. Chapman’s love languages are, not in order of importance –
- Words of affirmation: Does your partner use positive, supportive words about you and your achievements and accomplishments.
- Physical touch: Do you feel love because of how, when, and where your partner touches you. Now this is about more than just sex. It could simply be about holding hands, or a slight touch on the shoulder.
- Gift giving: This can mean small items, like a cookie, or a flower you saw whilst walking the dog. The idea here is that it is something your partner will appreciate, which shows that you were thinking of them whilst you were apart.
- Quality time: Doing things together that your partner enjoys. Watching TV, going for a walk, having a meal out, or simply just sharing how your day was. The key word here is quality. You are not spending quality time with each other when having a meal out if one or both of you are sitting on your phone all the time.
- Acts of service: This is doing things for your partner that are helpful for them. Mowing the lawn, doing the dishes, hoovering, washing, or ironing. This can work when asked for but will work best when it isn’t even requested. You do it simply because you know your partner will appreciate what you’ve done.
There is a questionnaire in Chapman’s book and a quick test available online so that you can find out what your love language is, and to discover your partners too. I think all of them are important, and one or two of these may be more important to you than others. Once you know what your partner’s love language is, you should speak it, with sincerity. Do what your partner appreciates, not because you expect something in return, instead do it because of the positive regard you hold for them. You can ask them to do the same, but remember that love only ever makes requests, not demands. By speaking your partners love language you can fill up your joint emotional bank account. This is the reserve of mutual positive feelings you have for each other. Then, if we are a little irritable, fail to keep a promise, or when we make a mistake there is something in reserve between us to draw on. Being happy in a relationship may come easily to some people, but for most of us it is something that we need to work at to make work. Let’s at least start off talking the right language.
“Love is a choice.” Gary Chapman
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